Change Starts With You

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In this episode of Do the Work, getting comfortable in your relationship can happen over time causing a breakdown in communication. Finding a place for honesty with your partner even if it brings conflict will eventually cause growth. Focusing on what your spouse needs to change to make it work isn’t your concern. Look within yourself and ask the tough questions to begin the change in you, which can lead your partner down the same path.

Topic #1

The Comfortable Chicken Wing

  • Every marriage should have honesty, but in a way that doesn’t trigger your partner. If something bothers you find a way to say something without creating conflict. The couple had a conversation recently when AZ noticed that Carla was not eating as healthy as she should and he said something to her. People know when they are putting on weight, they don’t need to be told because they see it in their clothes. You know where your body should be.
  • When AZ was honest with her, it triggered her and made her a little emotional. If the conversation is not productive, it will become confrontational. The first of the couple’s 18 years together, they were at a restaurant and Carla was a size 0. They ordered some chicken wings, and she put one on her plate, and AZ told her never to get comfortable. From that moment, Carla loved him, but that remark stuck with her. As time went on and she gained her little voice, she wasn’t going to let him tell her what to eat, wear or how to speak; you don’t own me.
  • The problem was AZ was getting comfortable, and she was telling him he was sexy and looked good even when he didn’t.

“People know when they are putting on weight, they don’t need to be told because they see it in their clothes. You know where your body should be”- Carla

Topic #2   

Stunting Your Growth

  • When you fall in love with someone, in the beginning, is usually due to physical attraction. Why then is it so easy to get comfortable in the relationship once you’re married? How do you approach that? If you can’t have that conversation with your partner flat out, then lead the way; not to pressure them to do what you are doing but by working on yourself and paving the way.
  • If your partner isn’t honest with you about one thing how are they showing up in other things? Where else are they not being honest? If they are following you around telling you things to make you smile; that isn’t an honest relationship. When you become comfortable as a couple, it stunts your growth because you become tolerable.
  • When do you know to tell the truth? If you wait too long and your lying and not having conversations or conflict it will lead to a breakdown in communication and the relationship. It is easier to say you don’t know what is going on in our marriage and our body then to put in the work. Because we know it’s going to be a lot of work and dedication to be where we need to be, but it’s easier to say I don’t know.

If your partner isn’t being honest with you about one thing, how are they showing up in other things?” -Carla

Topic #3  

Live Your Own Convictions

  • The couple comes from religious families, and Carla was excited to bring AZ home. They were very happy to get married, and the officiant told them that he couldn’t marry them because they had already been living together in sin and the whole family had been telling everyone that they were already married because they were living together. Az was upset and told Carla his uncle would marry them; he came back, and his uncle wouldn’t marry them either because they were living in sin.
  • A friends mother who was a judge married them, but they were heartbroken by the process. Even while Carla walked down the aisle she could feel the stares of her family and his thinking they wouldn’t make it; that was the perception anyway.  And that wasn’t the case; it was just two people in the family who set that precedence. Looking back at it now, it’s interesting to see what creates a God fearing person. Saying one thing is okay, and then brushing over how the Bible says to live for the most part, but when it came to living together, they stood by the word; quick to point the finger but not at themselves.
  • Carla is a competitor, and she has fought for her marriage, her body, her business and for herself every day. She can remember their wedding night and laying on the bed in her dress that she couldn’t get out of, and thinking to herself she would never get a divorce; she was going to prove to everyone that she was going to make the marriage work.
  • When they had hard times, Carla thought to herself,” How did I go from I am never going to give up, to I want to give up; I am done with this man.” If Az hadn’t made the changes in himself, she would have been out. This is where women live in that shame; everyone told you it wouldn’t work and you failed. They were willing to stay in it and do the work; it took them getting over their own stories and changing things about themselves.

“We were willing to stay in it and do the work; it took us getting over our own stories and changing things about ourselves to make it work. ” – AZ

Closing Thoughts

  • There are steps to finding your power; the change happens with one person in the relationship. Everyone gets caught up in a game of expecting the other person to change; it’s up to you to change you. Carla figured out a way and had 12 key life lessons and has a process called, ”The Reps and Sets.”
  • Every morning Carla has a set of questions she asks herself every morning to walk through her day. With repetition and commitment, it became easier and easier. The questions are in Carla’s book,” Finding Your Voice,” the first issue will be released at the Women’s Event in November. Go to www.dothework.com, and you can get more information on that event in Phoenix.
  • The book puts the formula of 12 steps into an easy process that anyone can follow. Carla is very passionate about empowering women; it is her purpose. It is an incredible system that she has created that can give every woman her voice.
  • You need to invest in yourself and radically change your game. It may be expensive to have a one on one with Carla, but she has made the financial investment in herself over the years, and you need to make that commitment to yourself at any cost.
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