The Gatekeeper

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In this episode of Do the Work, for years AZ and Carla struggled with the roles they held in their relationship. Until you are honest and understand, trust and respect your partner in their role, you will never be on the same page. Marriages can suffer when you are both holding each other back, and not having your spouses back. Define the roles in your marriage and then communicate what that is; life and business will become a lot easier when the battle for the Gate is in the hands of the Gatekeeper, and the Leader takes the helm.

Topic #1

Unlimited Breadsticks and Salad

  • Once the couple understood and got on the same page that is when the started to experience growth in their relationship, family and business. Everyone thinks when they get married they are on the same page automatically, but it takes time to learn how to communicate because you hold back in the first few years.
  • The couple had a lot of Olive Garden moments, dressing up and putting on the nines, because at the time that was a big night out on their budget. And they had had a lot of little moments before they were married, and after. They bought a home, and had car payments and splurged on a painting for their home that cost $350.00.
  • Carla likes to call herself the Gatekeeper because that is the person who holds power. In the beginning, Az took control of the finances; it just happened that way. AZ was saving for the painting, and $350 was a lot of money. Carla never questioned anything at that point; she had never been in a position like that. AZ was Gatekeeper of the finances and Carla became Gatekeeper of the household.
  • Over the years Carla realized who had what roles in their relationship; it all started to fall apart when she could no longer hold that role of being submissive. She became resentful, angry, upset, and she began to question everything. Gatekeeping can mean different things in a marriage; it can be a negative thing.

“Everyone thinks when they get married they are on the same page automatically, but it takes time to learn how to communicate because you hold back the first few years.”- AZ

 

Topic #2   

Who is the Head?

  • Typically in a household, the male leads the path to most businesses or ventures; he is the head of the household; at least that is how that starts in most marriages. Things didn’t change for the couple until they got on the same page.AZ thought they were on the same page from the beginning, but Carla was suppressing, biting her tongue and giving AZ what he wanted; this created turmoil in their relationship, because Carla didn’t want to live like that.
  • The entire time AZ felt that Carla was lying from the beginning. He was honest about what he wanted, and she suppressed and held back. AZ thought he had a great epiphany because he always thought it was his fault, but Carla was not honest about what she wanted from the beginning; Carla is wondering how this turned on her so quick.
  • AZ feels that the Gatekeeper is not the one that holds power but is the one that protects the gate. He thought he was the leader, but he wasn’t. Carla doesn’t want to argue because she still feels the Gatekeeper holds power. There is a leader, a visionary in a relationship. Carla thinks that she is AZ’s Gatekeeper because she has his back, she is his shield; AZ is the leader of the home.

“I just had a great epiphany, I always thought everything wrong was my fault, but you weren’t honest about what you wanted from the beginning; you were lying the whole time.” -AZ

Topic #3  

Own Your Role

  • Once you own the aspects of who you are in the relationship; the visionary, the leader, the systems and operations person, the Gatekeeper. A lot of women don’t realize that their role is vital, and they use it to hinder the progression of a business and a relationship because they see it as, now that they have this power, they will use it how they want.
  • Being the Gatekeeper takes a lot of confidence and a lot of power. Carla would be so angry because she would be trying to protect and things would slip through because she didn’t have a voice. When AZ would make decisions, she would go along with it instead of just talking to him about what she thought was right or wrong. Carla would feel like she failed if something would happen, she failed as a Gatekeeper. She had to have the confidence to reassure AZ that she would stay strong in the relationship and stand on her own two feet to protect him and their family.
  • When the market tanked in 2007, there are still people in that place and are unwilling to move forward, reluctant to take the risk. A lot of that has to do with not getting the reassurance from the Gatekeeper in their life; the reassurance that you have to be you. AZ was hesitant coming out of that time, but it was the reassurance from Carla that they would be okay regardless that pushed him forward.
  • This is all based on their marriage; they had their stuff going on. For the stay at home Mom’s that all they have is taking care of their home and babies, they stand in a different position. They want to play it safe with their husband; she cannot tell him, they don’t play safe if we lose it all, we lose it all. It’s harder for them, because of the fear of them not having anything going on other than what their husband is doing to provide.

For the stay at home Mom’s, that all they have is taking care of their home and babies, they stand in a different position. ” – Carla

 

Closing Thoughts

  • A couple can end up holding each other back because of fear. You need to step into your power and keep going as the Gatekeeper or the Leader. You need to be all in and not half in, and learn and work within the roles you have taken on in your relationship.
  • There is so much growth within the couple, in trust and support; it wasn’t until they communicated what their roles were and then supported and trusted each other in their roles that things started to change. They were holding each other back for such a long time, and many marriages get stuck on that path.
  • AZ knows that he can’t trust others opinions more than Carla’s, and no one has his back like her. He knows he can’t make other people more important than Carla and cater to them; your primary responsibility is to invest in your core family. When you decide to get married, that becomes your #1 priority; once AZ realized that everything became easier.
  • Carla went into their relationship as a pleaser; she wasn’t honest with what she wanted or who she was. Carla wanted AZ to like her, to marry her; she got what she wanted but went into it unhappy with herself.
  • Carla has an event coming up on November 9th and 10th, and she has a book, “Find Your Voice” and a daily journal that comes with 12 lessons. It is an investment in your relationship and yourself. It will be life changing and empowering. Go to www.dothework.com to find out more and sign up for this event. There is still early bird pricing available. Subscribe, rate and review this podcast on Itunes
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