Why So Blue, Boo?

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In this episode of Do the Work, AZ and Carla discuss how when your spouse feels down, you should also. Or should you? Trying to entice your partner into an argument when you are not up to par, is just a form of sabotage. Recognizing that your spouse is being triggered by something and stepping back is a form of growth. When you do this you will be able to connect in your marriage at a deeper level.

Topic #1

Trailer “Toes”

  • Today the discussion of, “If your spouse feels down you should also,” was taking place in the studio. The couple had a great weekend at the lake. Carla grew up camping, hunting and doing outdoor things; AZ did not have that experience. With social media, it is easy to showcase the happy times; But there is also the other side that isn’t shown on Facebook and Instagram. When you are upset, you don’t put that one social media except to recap it. There is a lot behind the scenes people don’t show.
  • There is a funny video on Facebook of Carla trying to get the trailer in the garage. The video doesn’t show AZ trying to back the trailer in and not being able to do it. Carla is holding the trailer, and it is heavy, and AZ is joking around and filming her making comments about who needs a man now. The next day as they were heading out AZ asked for Carla to help him get the trailer out, but she was busy. In his impatience, he went outside, and the trailer ran over his foot; Even though he was hurting he kept showing the smiles in the pictures on social media. We create circumstances of trying to have a good time; we end up angry instead of stepping back and focusing on why you are doing what you are doing.
  • You only capture a moment in time, and what they usually show is them having a good time. We are all normal and have our issues.

Quote
“When you are upset you don’t put that on social media, except to recap it. There is a lot behind the scenes that people don’t show.”- AZ

Topic #2   

Pulling That Trigger

  • So when your spouse is down how do you approach that? A few weeks ago Carla was down one herself and was in a deep hole. She got herself out of it, but the person most around her all day is AZ. She tried to sabotage him, to bring him down with her because she was angry. Carla failed at it because he maintained his lane, even with her trying to trigger him. She tried to get in his way because he was running around at a million miles an hour and that is usually her.
  • Every week they have plans and goals and targets of what they need to accomplish, and that week that didn’t because Carla was down. His actions were triggering her; Carla was off her game because she was focused on AZ and the things he was doing that she wasn’t able to do. She was blaming the person closest to her, AZ. She wasn’t able to trigger him in the long run, because he knew he needed to continue, because she was down and he was giving her space.
  • What happens when your honest with your spouse of what you were trying to do; That you were trying to sabotage them? Carla is very honest, real and raw. She isn’t a bitch she is just honest, where a lot of couples aren’t honest in the discourse they are causing. It goes both ways and happens a lot in every relationship. AZ can remember a time when Carla was working out harder than him in the gym, and it triggered him so much that they ended up leaving.
  • Carla was looking for a fight with him. For years Carla has set out his vitamins with hers, and he took her birth control and melatonin. That shit didn’t even bring him down. There are some days when she doesn’t put them out, and he does it himself. Carla didn’t do it maliciously, but she wasn’t one her game and fell out of her regular morning routine.
  • When Carla was working from home, she would sometimes get triggered because AZ was out meeting people and getting invited places and she was home taking care of everything. She told him she didn’t even know who she was and he responded by saying how was that his problem. Carla had so much anxiety about socializing with people that she would start arguments with him so AZ would get angry and cancel all his plans.

Quote
“For years I have put out his vitamins with mine in the morning; he didn’t know he was taking my birth control and melatonin; even that shit didn’t slow him down. ” – Carla

Topic #3

Operation Sabotage Your Spouse

  • We unknowingly are triggered by our spouses or hold them back to where it hinders progression. Both people need to be on the same page for long-term success. When you are angry with your spouse, it can block the progress and momentum of the week. One partner gets so wrapped up and focused on what your spouse is doing you get triggered, and you fall behind.
  • If you can recognize this issue in your relationship, there is no one else that gives you the support, time and attention that your spouse does. You can’t sabotage the growth of someone else. If you are both living an unhealthy lifestyle and one of them decides to change, the other will try to pull them back and sabotage them.
  • When did the marriage become a time for you to sabotage or hold back the other person? If you want to make changes to yourself, you need to leave the door open for your spouse to make changes also. If they are trying to diet or exercise, generally improve their health, don’t sabotage their efforts to make those positive changes in themselves. You need to support them and join them in it if you feel that is something you are ready to do with them. Lead by example and not by force. Trying to force someone into the changes you are making are just a trigger to create chaos.
  • By giving your spouse the space they need to work through their issues, you will connect on at a deeper level.

Quote
“If you want to make changes to yourself, you need to leave the door open for your spouse to make changes also.”- AZ

Closing Thoughts

  • Carla was kidding about giving AZ birth control and Melatonin, and she apologized for being an ass and not putting out his oatmeal and a banana before his bike ride. The couple appreciates all of the support from their listeners. They encourage everyone to share their podcasts with someone they know who will benefit from it on any level.
  • Subscribe, rate and review their podcast by going to www.dothework.com
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